有感而发

脑里想了很多的东西，但又不知要写些什么，所以还是继续把它收在心里吧。矛盾。逃避。

好久没哭了

感觉上，好像很久没哭了。开心得太久，有时候也未必是件好事。听着一首悲伤的歌，回想起很多往事。有开心的， 也有伤心的。想起了很多人，很多事物。唤起了我心中早已遗忘的情感。有时候，某些感觉，就算是忘记了，但，当你遇到某些场景或某些人，就是那么自然的又会回想起了。感觉是无法被遗忘的，它已经成为了生命中你的一部分， 深深的被刻在心里。过去是无法改变的，能改变的只有当下，而未来还是个不知之数。可能，我也时日无多了。现在的我，选择压抑自己的感觉。不，应该说封锁比较适合吧。封锁了喜欢她人的感觉，封锁了对家人的情感，封锁了对事物的好感，封锁了悲伤，更封锁了愤怒。留下的只剩下切不实际的开心。一个人真的好吗？做了这个决定的我真的不会后悔吗？我想可能会吧，应该是一定会吧！摄影，我真的喜欢吗？真的是我想要得吗？可能不是吧，我也不知道。要说的话，应该说是拿来逃避寻找一份正经工作的借口吧。每当想起我的人生，都会觉得很可悲。不过我真的很庆幸我有一班很好的朋友。比亲戚，比家人，比爸妈更了解我的朋友。但，随着时光的流逝， 女的会嫁人，男的会成家立业， 始终我还是一个人。找个女朋友吧，一位学长对我说的话。以前的我应该会很赞成，但现在的我坚决说不。可能是阴影吧，受过了伤害，不知觉的自我保护了起来，不会再像以前那样那么的喜欢一个人，也不会付出那么多。以前的我会为了我喜欢的人做很多事， 虽然绝大部分都是很幼稚的，但现在的我，就算喜欢，也不会做些多余的举动，慢慢的让感觉淡化。还会出现吗？能让我死心塌地，让我疯狂，让我无怨无悔牺牲一切的爱上的女生。如果真的出现了，那她将会是改变我一生的人。写着写着，好像有点离题了， 悲伤不起来，也不想哭了。不写了，剩下的就留给下一次想哭的时候吧。

我的未来

最近，身边的朋友都一直在讨论着他们的未来。而我，却一点头绪也没有，也没有任何的打算。我相信船到桥头自然直，时候到了，就自然会知道该做什么。对于单身的我，也对自己没有任何的要求，也没渴望些荣华富贵的生活，只要吃得饱，睡得安，我就很满足了。假设日后有工作，薪水不必很高，够给家用及自己的基本生活费就够了。虽然我对我家人的感情并不深，但给家用还是必需的，毕竟也是个责任。其实，在大学的三年里，是我人生中最开心的，过去十多年从来没有真正开心过的日子，也已经忘得一干二净了。我很满足了。如果我的生命就这样突然结束，我也不会后悔。只是，会有点遗憾，到最后，还是单身一人。如果当初，我有女朋友的话，现在的我因该会很有成就，我会尽我最大的努力，给她最大的幸福。至少我当初是这样想的。但，现在已经迟了，跟现在的我在一起，绝对不会有幸福的。所以，我决定了，坚持一定要单身，没有梦想，也没有理想，随随便便简简单单的过完我的余生。

I am so stupid

There are two things that I want to express here.

First thing is that I was happy that I went to watch the kung fu performance with her, just the two of us. However, the bad part is that I brought my camera along with me, and during the 4 hours kung fu performance, I just snap as many photos as I can and neglected her. I was damn so stupid, why wont I grab the chance? I mean, it is rarely that we two spent time together, and I just wasted the chance like that, snapping photos! I was aware that she was a bit bored with the performance yet I kept on snapping photos. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid me!  But honestly, I think I neglected her on my natural instinct as I scared that I don't know what to do or what to say with her as what was always happened to me when I am alone with someone. Come on, be brave, if she really is the one you really like, don't hesitate. Support her and do everything for her even at last you will end up alone, but at least, you wont regret.

Well, that is for the first thing, the second thing was some incident that was happened during the 2nd day of the Chess Open Tournament 2012. An experienced old man and I think he is well known in the chess world is troubling and argued with one of the committees. Both of them arguing quite fiercely until it affected my mood. I was really fire up at that moment and I said some rude things to that old man. Well, it was his fault at the first place and he is using his authority to threaten us. I was rude to him, in front of her. At that moment, all sort of hard feeling is pouring on me and I really do feel like crying out. I should't be rude to that old man and I should't interfere as I was just a photographer at there. I do feel really really bad for some time as I feel like I have done something really terrible. It was really really bad, I should consider this the second worst feeling that I ever wanted. Stupid me, I should have control myself!

又再胡思乱想了~~

致嵻啊致嵻~ 你可以稍微的有用一点吗？你的人生真的是很失败，你知道吗？你真是个货真价实的失败者！！！亲情，爱情，学业，事业，有哪一样是你行的？你无药可救了！！！

今天，久违的看到她了。明明说好要死心，要放下的，明明说好要单身，不要恋爱的，可是为什么那个莫名其妙的感觉就是缠着我不放。我以为我已经放下她了，可是原来我只是自欺欺人。其实，我最想要的就只是和她在一起。别再想了，只会增加我的痛苦罢了。继续压制吧，毕业过后就没事了。

Moody~~~

Recently I am not in a good mood. There are many things that I did and things that I said that will cause me to feel bad. And there are things around me that keep me away from being happy. My decision, my words, my action, my talking. It seems like I am doing things that will lead me feeling bad. I need to be alone, for the time being, or maybe for this whole year. It is not happy at all to hide my feeling, to face it like nothing has happen which in fact I mind it so much. But, that is me, a person that has hide and run from the reality, living in my own world. I don't think that I am happy at all.

In the end

In the end, I spent my holiday alone for 4 months, not going anyway except for the BKTA camp and outing with hua wei and sing k wif cc them. Seeing at other pics on fb traveling to somewhere with their friends and knowing dat some of my friends dat they are going to somewhere to have fun always reminds me of how pitiful i am.. haiz..Sad nia.. Now, the holiday is reaching its end, and right now, i am still alone. At first, i tot going back to penang was the right choice because i might be able to go somewhere to have fun with frens, but in the end, i end up staing in my room for the rest of my holy days. However, i am not regretting for making the decision to come back to penang, because, it is at least much more better than i staying at home without wireless. Sad nia, i am so pitiful. That is my life, i should just accept it. In the end, i am all alone, i am not the kind like to socialize. But never mind la, just let it be the way i am right now, there is nothing bad about it..hehe..